小寶寶掰掰 Goodbye baby...

昨天下午開始有些深色的血，跟第一胎的情況有點像，
我到附近的小型婦幼醫院，照了超音波，雖還照不到心跳但胎囊還在，
醫師開了安胎藥給我，要我多休息、不要抱小孩。
不要抱小孩？！怎麼可能？！千千才八個多月耶，唉。

一直到今天下午，血沒停過，量變的更多，肚子越來越痛，
我感覺不對勁，趕緊請朋友來家裡看著千千，
我跳上計程車往慈濟醫院急診室去，

脫褲子時看到滿滿的鮮血我就知道不妙了，
照了陰道超音波，醫師淡淡地說，已經不在了，
我仍不敢相信，眼睛一直盯著銀幕，希望還能看到奇蹟，

醫師開藥讓我加快收縮排出血塊，
我確認用藥對母乳沒影響，
醫師竟然說：「妳還在餵母乳阿？這會造成子宮收縮，當然對胎兒不好，
妳若想懷孕，就要停餵。」

我很驚訝醫師這樣說，因為我平時看得另一位陳醫師知道我目前還在餵母乳，
而且還鼓勵我說很厲害，只說懷孕後奶量會減少。
然後我就呆住了，醫師看來有些不耐煩，
問我有沒有其他問題，我的腦筋只剩下一片空白。

回家的路上我一直掉淚，雖然昨晚就有不祥的預感，
沒想到真的流掉了，也許是原來胚胎就不良、自己淘汰，
也許是餵母奶導致宮縮，也許是我經常抱著千千行動，
反正現在也無所謂了，

我決定要調理好自己，希望等千千滿週歲後能再懷下一胎囉！
期待天父認為我們準備好的時刻能再度來到。

My hope to our second child was ended surprisingly soon.
There was few blood yesterday and then I had a bad feeling.

Though I went to a clinic and took medicine, the condition was still getting worse. So I went to the hospital where I used to go this afternoon.

I look at the screen, kept looking, couldn't believe that doctor just announced that it's gone.

I cried myself out all the way home. It was like a real baby inside my body, but it's gone.
Though there could be many reasons why it's gone. Maybe it's too much for me to be pregnant and taking care of Evelyn at the same time. Maybe it's just not a healthy embryo. We'll never know now.

I shouldn't worry too much. We could wait. I should clean myself up and prepare myself for the next baby. We'll wait til Heavenly Father thinks we're ready.